Connections

The sketches and accompanying texts were hard-hitting, often poignant, humorous at times and generally had been well received, but a number of comments of late were filled with vitriol and threats. Linh told Petra that the look on Mia’s face, and the attendant captions, had created a furor online. ''Take her statement last Tuesday, Men aren’t the enemy, but those who are abusive need to be stopped. Femicide is not just another esoteric term, for use by specialists, or record keepers. It saw a threefold increase in the response rate and many were highly critical. ''And then Friday’s, During the last century, advances in medicine, technology, and agriculture were mind-blowing. What puzzles and disturbs me is that at the same time we seem unable to make real progress regarding intimate partner violence. ''That generated so many replies, mostly negative, such as, another lying whore among us, they almost crashed the site.'' ''Not only that,'' Petra said, ''I just received an email from my father’s lawyer advising that the captions must not be seen as being attributed to a particular person.'' Two Years Earlier A colleague told her she heard that Linh was in a video on YouTube. ''From what I understand, she was a rising star, playing the oboe in an orchestra in Toronto about ten years ago, but it also seems her career suddenly ended.'' Petra, who saw her occasionally, found Linh shy but pleasant. She recalled the last time was about three weeks earlier when she went to the production line in the pharmaceutical plant. Petra was following up with Linh’s boss about one of the ingredients in a generic drug in her role as the person responsible for its quality control. Linh was decked out in the blue and white gear employees in the area wear. That evening, Petra decided to look for the video about Linh. It took a while, but she -2- found it. Linh definitely looked younger and there was a sense of joy about her as she played. The oboe seemed like it was a part of her. A couple of weeks later, when they were in an elevator together, Petra said, ''I understand you play the oboe.'' Quickly adding, ''I wonder if having to hold a note for a long time is like swimming underwater.'' Linh was surprised, and looking at her directly, indicated it was an apt comparison. The conversation ended before it really started, but she gave Petra a smile exiting the elevator. That brief connection set in motion informal interactions in the workplace over the next couple of months that eventually led to a dinner together. Arriving almost simultaneously at the restaurant, the two women, both short in stature and with similarly coloured long dark hair, said that punctuality was driven into them growing up. Smiling, Petra said, ''I hope you like Thai cooking. I had a friend in high school who introduced me to its wonders and I’m hooked.'' ''I’m only too happy to partake of culinary delights from a country in my very old neighbourhood,'' Linh replied. As they toasted one another, the ease of being together settled in. Both were dealing with friends’ encouragement to be with someone. The evening was sprinkled with small talk and broad brush strokes about their earlier lives; Linh started the ball rolling by raising her mother. ''Anh was a boat person who arrived here as a young woman with me at the beginning of the eighties. I wasn’t even a year old and never knew my father, who was killed by pirates on our overcrowded boat escaping from Vietnam. ''Although I was not a lot more than an infant when he died, I feel like that event is woven into my being. -3- ''I think you absorb things, even though you barely, if at all, remember them. I spent almost three years in a refugee camp and recall virtually nothing.'' Visibly moved, Petra asked, ''that must have been an incredibly difficult time, how did your mother deal with it all?'' ''She told me little, but had support from other Vietnamese families and individuals in the community we met after our arrival in Canada when I was four. Focusing on learning English, she soon became a hairdresser and for many years worked part-time in a florist’s shop. Her eye for what looked good was a real asset in both settings. ''I actually got that visual skill passed on to me in a different way. I’ve loved sketching for as long as I can remember. ''When I was in grade school, we did a lesson on refugees. For a short while I became a bit of a star when the class learned I had lived in a camp. I couldn’t have articulated it then, but looking back, I felt like I was on display. Something to be gawked at and then forgotten.'' ''Interesting observation Linh, and I agree. People are often drawn to something that seems exotic, even if it’s tragic.'' ''My stepfather David was a decade older than my mother. He was a shy, quiet man, who taught music at the middle school where I went. My mother first met him when I was twelve at a parent/teacher night and he told her he should have gotten a haircut before the evening. I think it was the third time he said it, that she mentioned she was a hairdresser. ''I don’t know how he found out where she worked, but a week later there he was. For her, the relationship provided greater certainty and comfort. As for David, I think he was blown away by being with this beautiful, younger woman. ''He once told me he thought he’d always be a bachelor. I was at university and found it so quaint how he put it. He was fifty and my mom was on the cusp of forty. ''I am the product of a family that does not speak to others about problems or concerns. David’s openness probably moved the dial a little on that, but not much.'' Petra responded, that in some ways her family was at the other end of the continuum -4- upon their arrival in Canada. ''My mother was pregnant with me and my parents were seen as heroic, after their defection from Czechoslovakia. ''As he already spoke English, my father found work almost immediately with a manufacturer near Toronto and was a poster boy at anti-communist events. He was often interviewed on national television, and a regular theme was the manipulation of the population back home and how the government constantly deceived them. ''Our lives became more and more comfortable over time. I went to private schools and we took at least one vacation every year. ''My mother and your parents arrived around the same time, but language and background give some people a real advantage.'' ''You’re absolutely right Linh, and frankly it got better. ''With the end of the Soviet Union and the rise of democracy in Eastern Europe, my father became very wealthy. He returned to Czechoslovakia, and was a key player in the privatization of many state-owned companies. He loved the going home schtick and preached the wonders of capitalism, as if he was delivering a sermon on a Sunday. ''I don’t know if there is a specific connection to migration, but my family too was not very open to raising our issues with others.'' As the two left the restaurant, there was a sense that overlapping narratives provided opportunity for a deeper connection between them. At home, reflecting about supper, Petra decided to cancel a proposed dinner a few days later with a man she had met online. In the text, she simply said, I enjoyed our first date, but I wonder if it’s wise to get more serious as I don’t think I’ve put enough time between the end of my marriage and now. I’m sorry, because part of me would like to see you, but I need to be smart and not just interested. It would be great to fast forward to next year, but that doesn’t work. Later that evening, as she looked at the scar on her neck, a pre-bedtime ritual, Linh felt unusually tranquil. An inveterate movie goer, she laughed thinking of the famous line -5- from Casablanca about the start of a beautiful friendship. A few weeks later, after seeing a movie following work one day, and drinks at a bar another evening, they were walking together in a large park on the periphery of the city. Perhaps it was the warmth of the day, or the beauty of the setting, with a multitude of flowers and the smell of freshly cut grass, but it was an intoxicating moment. Stopping to sit on a bench, Linh briefly looked away and then told Petra about Rick. ''You may have noticed I always wear something, even on hot summer days, that covers my neck. It’s because I have quite the scar. Let me tell you how I got it. ''I met Rick when I was twenty-eight, only about six months after Anh and David were killed in that automobile accident, and with whom I lived for a couple of years. I had had some boyfriends, but mostly focused on music and in particular playing the oboe. ''In addition to dealing with loss, I believe it was flattery he often showered on me that was a key ingredient in my deciding to be with him. I remember this crazy moment when he played MacArthur Park, a song recorded in the late 1960’s. Singing, I recall the yellow cotton dress/Foaming like a wave/On the ground beneath your knees, he unwrapped a yellow dress he bought for me and said it’ll look beautiful on you.'' ''Wow! Feeling vulnerable at the loss of your parents, that would have been an incredibly sweet and romantic moment for you.'' ''Yes it was! ''Rick was born a decade too late. He was a hippy at heart. Life began in a small town in Colorado. He moved to Canada to study at university and escape family turmoil. I never learned his version of the full story, but his father was a bad-tempered and abusive guy who would go for long stretches in a relatively calm way, but when the trigger was pulled, he took it out on those whom he often said he loved. Rick was a painter, whom I thought had talent, but he didn’t believe in himself. He was a purist, as he liked to say, and used egg tempera so the colours would not change over time. As I began to be more successful with my music, he seemed to withdraw more and more into himself.'' -6- ''I know the feeling Linh. I knew a guy who simply couldn’t handle me being better at anything. For example, we played Scrabble sometimes, which I usually won. That was not well-received.'' ''I often think about the time I was practicing the oboe at home. When I play, a vein on my neck sticks out. Rick walked over, and touching it said, an angry man with a knife would love that. I told him not to kid like that, but later wondered if he already had thoughts of violence rolling around in his head. ''There were other signs, I realized later, such as, for months beforehand Rick, resisting us spending time with friends, and his temper getting the better of him. ''A few days before the attack, Rick couldn’t get an erection as we started to make love. He was furious and started punching the pillow. I tried to comfort him, but it took a long time for him to calm down. ''The evening he attempted to kill me, he had earlier seen the lead violinist in the symphony orchestra, whom he called a sissy, give me a hug because he was pleased with my contribution. It was the opening of the orchestra’s Fall season.'' ''Stealing a cliché Linh, that certainly was a moment in the sun.'' ''It was such a great feeling. I had been working for years to get a job with the orchestra and I was on the verge of making it. I don’t think I’ve ever had a natural high so exquisite as that night. ''Only hours later, as I lay in bed, again replaying this moment of personal joy, he charged into the room and ripped my nightgown. Rick then pulled a knife from his pocket, hitting and stabbing me. I fought back, but feared I would die. A neighbour called the police because of the screaming and my pleas for help. ''At his trial, it came out that he had been seeing a psychologist for years before we met. I thought, how could I not know this. His lawyer used notes from these sessions to try and demonstrate that trauma was at the source of his action and that he needed help more than a prison sentence. ''I was not interested in seeking professional help after the assault, and was shocked when the president of our company called after I returned home from the hospital. She -7- wished me a good recovery and to my amazement told me she had been sexually assaulted. It happened soon after she started her first job and it was a man she trusted.'' ''I too have heard that she is a people person, but that’s pretty neat to think she reached out and supported you.'' ''I started working at the company because I wanted to continue with my music after university. I did not expect to be supported by my parents pursuing this passion. ''I ended up talking with a psychologist a number of times for about a year. She was very understanding and helped me to begin to live with what happened. She encouraged me to try and weave the event into a broader tapestry of my life. It’s there. It was devastating, but it doesn’t define you. ''It helped me to maintain a sense of equilibrium, but quite honestly, I don’t feel settled in my life. ''To my great surprise, Rick was deported after serving his sentence, as he never took out Canadian citizenship. When that happened, I did feel a greater sense of relief. I was glad he was gone. It’s been another step in moving forward.'' Breathing a big sigh, Linh seemed empty, but pleased about being so forthright. ''That was a dramatic series of events, Linh. I think, foolishly, many believe these things don’t happen to people they know. Perhaps it’s a way of avoiding reality. ''I too dealt with abuse from within. ''When I was twelve, my mother was away with friends for a couple of days and my father came into my bedroom. I was getting ready to sleep and to my amazement he sat next to me and started rubbing my back, legs and thighs and whispered this is between us, it’s our secret. It didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know what to say. When he left, I felt anxious, a feeling that is always there whenever he is around. ''I hoped it would be a one-off but it wasn’t. It happened whenever my mother traveled for the charity that she supported, doing what I called good works, and it continued, with him touching me all over, until I was almost sixteen. By then he was rarely around, as he spent most of his time in the Czech Republic.'' -8- ''I’ll bet that was hard. You were so young and it was your father.'' ''Yes, I wish I didn’t, but I have vivid memories of his hands on me. It’s like the difference between a book and a movie. When I read about something violent or horrible, I can usually process it, but when I see images on the screen, they are locked in. I can’t erase them. ''Just before my twenty-first birthday, I told my mother all about my father’s abuse. Initially, she was shocked, and suggested that I must have misunderstood his affection. ''When she saw that I wasn’t buying that story, she said some men feel especially close to their daughters and this was probably a way of showing it. ''I have barely talked to my parents since then, and I don’t do family events any more. ''The last fifteen years have been an attempt to reconstruct my life. Initially, I had a number of boyfriends to show that I could do what I wanted and control who touched me and who didn’t. ''But it wasn’t always easy. One time, after merely the first date, this engineer guy expected to spend the night with me. I couldn’t get my head around how presumptuous he was. ''Then I spent some time avoiding men. I guess my working principle was, who needs them.'' ''One thing I learned from that year with the psychologist Petra, is that memories of abuse can come and go and for some people it’s a lifetime of torment.'' ''I married a man at thirty who turned out to be similar to my father in some ways, but not all. He was a hard working lawyer who wanted to make a name for himself in the corporate world. ''He was kind and gentle and bought me lavish gifts. We went to openings at a variety of art galleries and participated in fundraisers for several charities. But his interest in our intimacy was like a school boy's. Making love was almost never on his radar. ''He had no desire to have children and after a couple of years, I shared that view. -9- We lasted almost eight years and inertia sustained it for much of that time. ''I remember a course at university about life in the Middle Ages. The professor, who was an American on sabbatical, told us that many during that period believed the female body was a deformed male and this view had its roots in ancient Greece. It takes societies so long to flush out ideas. ''It was a critical moment in my life and I began to explore writing. I liked it so much, I became one of the editors of the university newspaper.'' Over the next several months, Linh and Petra shared evenings at the cinema, suppers at each other’s home and discussions about their lives, what they went through and what the future might look like. It became clear to both of them that the way going forward would continue to come from within. It would not be from self-help books or being guided through a process they did not control. At one point, Petra asked Linh if she would have plastic surgery on her neck. ''No! I thought about it for a long time. That’s why I went to such great lengths to cover it. But now I accept it’s a part of me and I plan to stop wearing clothing with the express principle of hiding it. ''I’m also going to start playing the oboe again and maybe I’ll even offer lessons.'' A little while later, Petra informed Linh that she planned to meet her father one-on-one and ask him, confront him if required, as to why. Linh was very encouraging, and smiling, suggested she send a note to that man, whose dinner she postponed for a year, asking if he would like to get together. Feeling more and more confident about themselves and sharing the desire to do something publicly about violence and sexual abuse, they discussed a variety of ideas. Ultimately, the two of them decided to create a series of sketches, with accompanying captions, about Mia, an abused woman. Specifically, they would set up a website and regularly add to her story; the end result would be a graphic novel. -10- Full of determination, Linh told Petra, ''a small pebble thrown into a pond changes the setting, and an orchestra in sync takes written notes to an exalted place. Just think what this could do!''