Connections

As Grant reached for the bottle of rye, he initially balked, but his need at the moment to obliterate eighteen years taken away was more powerful than any rational thought that might intervene. * * * Terry was the younger sister of Perry, a former teammate of Grant’s on his college football team. She and Grant had dated on different occasions; nothing kept it going, but nothing closed the door. On and off continued for more than a decade. At one point, Terry had a proposal of marriage, but just didn’t think it was what she wanted. She would never admit it, but Grant was a reference point against which she considered other men. On a hot June day, they bumped into each other at the French Bakery, which occasionally happened, living in the same area. Terry stopped him in his tracks when she said, ''I had a dream about you a couple of nights ago and believe it or not we were raising our child together.'' ''Are you kidding Terry?'' ''No, and I don’t know why. We haven’t seen each other recently. ''But for some reason there we were, the three of us together and the child was giggling. You seemed shorter than the near foot difference between us.'' ''Wow, that's crazy Ter. It’s so exciting hearing this news,'' he said laughing. ''Perry told me yesterday that all of us seem to have bought tickets for the group The Wild Ones this Friday night. I have to run but we’ll see you then.'' Shortly after the band took to the stage, Grant was thinking he was a little beyond this scene. And to his surprise, Terry was in the same place. Looking at each other, they instinctively knew it was time to go. Perry could stay if he liked, and probably would, hoping to meet someone, preferably for her before he had consumed too much alcohol. Standing outside, Terry said, ''come to my place and you can have a slice of the cheesecake I made recently.'' ''That sounds good, I feel like I need a huge dose of sugar.'' -2- The decor in Terry’s apartment reflected her eclectic personality. There was some country and western kitsch next to a photo of Leonard Bernstein. Quite the duo he thought. Her home only added new items, there was never a culling of things that became less interesting with time. As they sipped porto and ate cake, the part of them that connected emerged. It was buried deeply, needing the right circumstances to blossom. Lying together before they fell asleep, they resurrected many of the fun times spent together. The following morning as Grant dressed and prepared to leave, Terry said, ''that's the third or fourth time in the last few years that we spent the night together. Others come and go but we seem to continue to reconnect. Maybe we should listen to what our bodies are telling us and make it more than that.'' ''What you say is true Terry. It’s food for thought. I will be busy this weekend as there is a big trial coming up, but if you are free next Friday, let’s have some supper and talk more about it.'' * * * ''I know it’s late Grant, but I need your help. I’m in the bathroom for a minute and the guys want me to continue. I won some money at cards, but they’re raising the stakes and it’s too much for me.'' ''Ok, where are you Perry?'' ''I’ll be there in ten.'' His phone rang very early Monday morning and he was surprised it was Terry. Yelling, she said, ''why do you continue to enable my brother? Again you saved his ass early Sunday morning, and I thought you were supposed to be busy.'' ''Perry called and told me he was in a situation he didn’t like.'' ''As usual, too much booze and gambling.'' ''He needed my help and I gave it.'' ''You continue to run interference for him. His football playing is long over. Maybe he needs a bit of a thrashing to get him to focus. -3- ''And to think I dreamed we could raise a child. That’s how predictive dreams are,'' she shouted, ending the call abruptly. * * * He was suddenly asked to fill in as another Crown Attorney was sick. Quickly perusing the dossier, he could not understand why the Crown was pushing so hard to confine this young teenager. It seemed pretty obvious that her acting out was an attention getter. If she came from a wealthier family, he thought, it would have been a slap on the wrist. Elizabeth was the defense attorney, whose focus was children, many of whom were involved with the child welfare system. She was tough when it came to her clients. Their well-being was the driver. But, she understood, that being too dogmatic would close doors that could be helpful for her clients at times. He had heard she was a capable lawyer, and not the grandstander he was often used to dealing with in high profile cases. Talking together for a few minutes as the judge was delayed, Grant told Elizabeth, ''it seems to me that the fourteen year old would likely do better in some form of a diversion program, rather than being confined.'' ''I agree, let’s petition the judge for that to happen.'' ''I suspect I’ll get some flack for supporting that position, but it seems more than logical to proceed in that manner with it.'' As they were about to leave the courthouse, the weather warning of a severe storm panned out. Grant said, ''it’s not likely to last too long, but until it blows over, would you like to have a coffee or a bite to eat in the cafeteria.'' ''Sure, that’s a good idea. I really had no lunch so I’m a bit famished.'' Elizabeth ordered a grilled cheese sandwich and added a green salad, while Grant just had a banana chocolate chip muffin. Sitting in a corner of a mostly empty cafeteria, they shared basic information about their lives and the odd person they both knew, the storm was long gone before they decided to leave. Saying goodbye, Grant suddenly asked, ''would you like to have supper with me sometime?'' -4- Elizabeth's response was quick. ''Yes, I would like that.'' After a rather tasty meal at an Ethiopian restaurant a week later, they continued to chat sitting on the balcony of her stylish condo. Elizabeth was her usual forthright self, telling him that she was often puzzled by the Crown’s positions and tactics. The next couple of months were a whirlwind. Although their work schedules were demanding, the time spent together was easy and fun. Elizabeth thought it was like a blossoming flower. He was surprised early one morning, as they enjoyed a coffee on her balcony, and talk of the future became a focus. ''You know Grant, I love children, but I don’t think I want to be a mother. I like to do my mothering, if I can put it that way, with the children I represent. They are often in very vulnerable situations and need caring for, protection and kindness.'' * * * Terry was sitting on the front steps of Grant’s downtown condo when he arrived by foot from the office late one night. As he approached, he yelled as he laughed, ''have you come to continue our phone call in person? Or are you writing a story about me for the community newspaper you now edit?'' Terry quickly said, ''Grant, don’t make fun of me.'' ''I’m not actually. It’s just that you’re a hard nut to crack when it comes to your feelings. ''Would you like to come in, and I assume, talk. I can offer you a drink if you like.'' As they mounted the steps, she said, ''I’m not drinking now.'' ''Is this a new leaf?'' Saying nothing, she limited her eye contact with him in the elevator. They had barely entered his unit, when Terry said sotto voce, ''I’m a little over two months pregnant.'' Stopping in his tracks, he said with a hint of apprehension, ''are you serious?'' ''Yes I am and you are the father! ''I haven’t had sex with anyone since our night together following the concert. And before that it had been at least six months and at the time I was taking the pill.'' -5- ''Terry, it’s not necessary to give me all that detail.'' ''Oh yes it is! I know what men are like when it comes to paternity. ''That night I quickly judged it was safe to make love and I was obviously wrong.'' The next little while focused on how Terry was feeling. In a tone mixed with hope and uncertainty, she said, ''I do want to keep this child. If it doesn’t happen now, it probably won’t. I’m surprised I feel this way, but until something is real, you often don’t know how you’ll react. ''It’s your choice Grant. Irrespective of my verbal onslaught during that phone call, we do have a good track record of real friendship. And I think that’s essential for making a viable relationship. Not to mention that creating this child was a fun experience for me, and from what you said, I think for you too. ''Oh Grant, I hope we can be together. It would be so cool.'' * * * After Terry left, he sat thinking about his future and reflected on his upbringing. His roots were fairly traditional; a brother and a sister, a dad who worked and a mother who also worked and played the main role raising the children. He found it intriguing that there was so much difference amongst the siblings. Lara, a year older, was a feminist, lived with a woman and was a social activist. While Stephen, three years younger, was a firefighter who loved the job, but was also an entrepreneur seeking opportunities that his work shifts allowed for. His principal focus was real estate. As for himself, he felt like he floated between the two. Those differences, even among children with the same parents, reminded him of a summer when he was seven or eight, turning the cardboard cylinder of his kaleidoscope thousands of times. The randomness of the colour patterns fascinated him. Reflecting about it, he suddenly imagined a cartoon with him in it and the caption saying: Yikes, you never know how it will turn out. Grant woke up feeling discombobulated. He was consumed by Terry’s wish to be together and raise their child and his ever-growing interest in spending time with Elizabeth. -6- Two days later he had supper with Elizabeth. Before he even raised Terry and the pregnancy, she knew something was up. Grant confirmed it when he said, ''I want to raise a matter that has implications for you and me.'' Initially explaining the sequence of events, as he didn’t want her to think he had been unfaithful. He ended by saying he was sorry he had brought this turmoil into her life. ''Turmoil is a part of life. As you know, we see it regularly. I think the pertinent question is what do you plan to do? You mentioned that you have seen Terry from time to time for more than ten years. The two of you never contemplated anything more. Why is that? ''I would suggest you think about whether being with her on a full-time basis and raising a child together is sustainable, especially given the stresses of family life.'' Leaving, Grant said, ''I will think long and hard about our conversation and your observation.'' The following evening his father called him and said, ''do I understand you are going to be a father? I see it took a long time for you and Terry to get together, but it’s better late than never.'' * * * The day he and Terry moved in together, Grant received an email from Elizabeth. I know we haven’t talked for some time, but I thought I would let you know I will be leaving the country very shortly. I have been offered a job with UNICEF in Nairobi. With all of the refugee children in the country, the need is great and I feel the desire for a new challenge. I hope the birth of your child goes well. Your son or daughter will be fortunate to have you as their father. You didn’t ask me, and I chose not to bring it up, but I would have been open to helping you raise your child on a shared basis with Terry. My not wanting to have children has nothing to do with not being willing to love and support one. Grant felt numb and his dispute earlier in the day with Terry about the colour of paint in the infant’s bedroom only exacerbated his sense of loss. * * * Tamara was a moment of bliss in their lives, with Grant suddenly feeling like he had made the right decision. -7- He loved being an engaged father, and felt a wonderful connection with his daughter, even though he was often sleep deprived. But over time, the papered-over connection with Terry began to shred. Tamara’s birthdays and special events provided momentary respites, but he began to doubt there would be many with all of them together. They did stay together for a couple more years, but Terry moved out wanting more time for herself. Tamara was resilient and accepted the new arrangement. Grant loved that she played sports, was a very good student and generally well-liked at school. The arrangement worked well, but Grant worried that Terry was drinking too much. * * * ''Oh my God! Elizabeth! And how art thou this beautiful summer’s evening,'' he yelled as he saw her walking by the terrace of his now favourite drinking establishment. ''Grant! It is you! How are things? Are you alright?'' Trying to avoid tripping as he approached her, he said, ''I’m fine. I was just reflecting about changes life sends our way. ''And what are you doing here? I had heard you were practicing law again, but I never saw you.'' ''Yes, I have been back for about three months. After Nairobi, I went to U.N. headquarters in New York. Feeling the need to reconnect with my roots, I came home.'' ''Would you like to join me in a drink to celebrate your return?'' ''I’d say that could be fun, but I doubt it would be good for you at this moment.'' ''Oh yes, my comportment! Although, it’s more than ironic, because that’s what I faulted Terry about for years.'' ''Grant, I have a suggestion, how about you take a cab home and we can continue to catch up sometime soon.'' -8- Feeling sheepish, he saluted her and hailed a cab that was going by. As he got in, Grant yelled, ''goodnight my once princess.'' Shaken by what she saw, Elizabeth called a couple of lawyers the next day and learned why he was in such a state. ''I’m glad you agreed to have lunch, Grant. I was pleased to see you last week, but I was concerned about how you were.'' ''Thanks Elizabeth! I was a bit shaken when I got home that evening. I even managed to pour the rye down the drain and haven’t had a drop since. I owe that to my daughter. ''I suppose you know the story. ''I hope you are not here out of pity.'' ''I only know some basic facts and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Beatrice Shenken, you know her from joint court appearances, was in the firm where I worked when we first met. She said that you had a beautiful relationship with your daughter who was killed in an accident last summer.'' ''Terry, who had finally come to terms with her addiction to alcohol, was feeling really good. She and Tamara went away for a girls' weekend and happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when a truck’s brakes failed and slammed into them crossing a street near their hotel. ''It’s still hard to talk about her and keep my composure, but Tamara was a parent’s dream. Well almost! ''From a very young age she seemed to understand her mother needed her support and Tamara was there for her. She rarely told me anything about how things were when she was with Terry. ''At school, she was an excellent student and excelled at sports. ''I remember watching her play a soccer game at school. I think it was Grade nine. She was probably the youngest player on the team and scored the winning goal. At supper that evening, I was amazed by her modesty, telling me it was a great pass and she just tapped it in. ''In her final year of secondary school she was a mentor to young students who were finding it hard to integrate into a new setting. Tamara loved the experience and told me I think I learn as much as I am able to offer. -9- ''I know she smoked some dope with her friends, but she was fiercely independent. I was sure Tamara would not become dependent on anything or any person. ''Honestly, I know it’s usually the other way around, but I looked up to her. She planned to study anthropology at university and had already begun reading a variety of texts. ''I will carry on, but it’s as if I’m wrapped in a dark cloud. ''What about you Elizabeth? You were out of the country for a long time. Is the U.N. as hopelessly bureaucratic as many suggest?'' ''I can only really speak for my work, which was challenging and I think important. I felt like we were making a difference helping children who were so very vulnerable.'' ''I don’t want to be nosy, but did you meet anyone?'' ''Oh yes, men like gossip too. ''When I was in Nairobi, I had a relationship with a man from Norway. The country is actively involved in meaningful international development and I thought Kasper embodied this spirit. ''He reminded me of you. He was handsome and played football too, their version of it. I also thought personal development was important to him. As I found out, on the surface it did, but his hate for his ex-wife was so great that he used his daughter to get back at her with devastating consequences for the girl.'' ''It’s too bad we can’t better project forward the implications of key decisions we make.'' Smiling, she replied,''perhaps we can if we let AI make them.''