Connections

It was a stunning day, no clouds and not too hot, and ambling through the well-maintained park was a delight. Felix was in the city for a conference focusing on global warming and ocean acidification and found himself with some free time as the afternoon’s presentation was cancelled when the speaker suddenly became ill. A big city boy, he loved parks, especially in the summertime, oases from the heat generators cities had become. The vanilla ice cream, dipped in his beloved chocolate, was like the cherry on the cake he thought, laughing at himself and the banal metaphor. Attracted by the tiny waterfall, he decided to sit and take in the tranquil setting for a moment. Asking if he could share the bench with a youngish-looking woman; the response was a slight dip of the head. Observing the immediate surroundings, he noticed some unusual tattoos on her sleeveless arm. Trying to be respectful, while intrigued by what he saw, his eyes were drawn again and again to the images. The woman was reading and paid no attention to him. Unwilling to control his fascination, Felix said, ''I find the images in your tattoos most interesting.'' ''Really,'' she said. Adding in a clipped voice, ''is that the word you use when you don’t want to say what you think?'' ''I’m sorry if I have offended you. It’s just that they are different from almost any other tattoos I have seen. In my generation most of us would never have thought to get one. But my son and daughter both have them and his sleeve is very colourful. ''May I ask what each of them means?'' Facing him directly, the woman said, ''they represent critical phases in my life.'' With his interest brimming, Felix told her, ''I would like to know more, but I don’t want to be intrusive. However, I am quite curious if you are willing to share.'' -2- ''I’m Saoirse, it’s not a common Irish name in North America. It means freedom. ''But there is much irony between my name and my life. ''My tattoos are therapeutic, but I usually cover my arm. However, from time to time I need to bear it in a public place. It’s kind of a way of letting the demons out and confronting them. It’s a delicate balancing act, but it’s how I survive. ''I got the tattoo of a young woman climbing out of a window at seventeen; it reflected my teenage years. ''My step-father was a creepy guy who came into my life when I was thirteen, only a year after my father was killed in a plane crash. ''I think my mother was overwhelmed when my dad died and his offer of marriage allowed her to right herself. I use the word offer because I think it was a transactional arrangement. She regained the financial security that was lost, which she saw as most important for her and me, and Glen, the putative hubby and dad, was with a woman well beyond his ability to attract, let alone keep. ''It wasn’t his appearance, although he had a big gut. It was how he carried himself. For example, he would leer at me when we were alone, and say things like I understand even young teenagers like yourself are having sex these days. Don’t be shy about asking questions. I can help you better understand boys. ''I raised my concerns with my mother, but she’d always say, he’s a bit different, but so is everybody. ''To be blunt, I don’t think the two of them had much of a sex life. ''I once asked my mother if she was thinking of having a child with Glen. Her response was that it requires two people to be intimate. Let’s leave it at that! ''When I was fourteen, I started climbing out my bedroom window, which fortunately was over the garage. I’m fairly athletic, so it allowed for easy comings and goings. This worked well as I convinced my mother to put a lock on the inside of my door. ''For a few years I met friends and we drank in a park nearby. I just loved the feeling the alcohol gave me. I could remember the good times with my father and shut out Glen and my mother. -3- ''One night, when I was seventeen and my mother was not home, I forgot to lock the bedroom door and Glen came in without knocking. He had probably been drinking and said we should get to know one another better. It was obvious he was not talking about my opinions on the national issues of the day as he put his hand on my shoulder. I pushed him away and said don’t ever touch me.'' He yelled back, ''who do you think pays for what you’ve got?'' I pushed him again and shouted, ''get out you bastard and for a brief moment he complied.'' But seconds later pounded on the door and screamed, ''open it or I’ll break it down.'' ''I took my wallet, a few articles of clothing and went out the window, never to return. ''I called my mother the next day and all she would say is you can come back but Glen is staying.'' ''You were still a child. I don’t mean that as a put down, but you had not reached the age of majority yet. ''In effect, your mother chose this man over you. Did she ever try to contact you and ask you to come home?'' ''No, I never heard from her. ''At seventeen, still a high school student, and with little money, I had few options. I was able to stay with friends for short periods, but the welcome only lasted so long. And winter is not a friend of people who don’t have many resources. ''I got a job at a convenience store and managed to find someone who needed a roommate. It was a difficult existence, but I was able to scrape by. ''One evening, about six months after I left, and feeling terribly lonely, I walked by the house. Much as how I didn’t like living with my mother and Glen, when your world is suddenly full of uncertainty, often on a daily basis, the old life can seem particularly attractive. You didn't worry about food or personal security and you could do things with friends. ''I stopped myself from going to the door. I guess I just knew if I went back it would be the same old routine. ''My father had been an entrepreneur so I guess it’s in my genes. I started selling marijuana, which was still illegal at the time.'' -4- ''Is the tattoo just below a marijuana leaf?'' ''Yes, and I chose it because it marked a new opportunity and I just loved the green ink the tattooist suggested. ''The extra income allowed me to take a dingy apartment, but at least it was mine. I was particularly happy no longer having to hear the fake moans of pleasure my roommate made whenever her boyfriend spent the night. ''Dealing was mostly a male dominated scene when I was selling, but I found many clients were less worried they would be taken advantage of if a woman was the dealer. Of course, I knew I was more vulnerable than most men, so I did martial arts, but more importantly, I only carried very small amounts of cash or product. ''At twenty-one, I met a guy who was a smooth operator. I think he liked my entrepreneurial spirit and I saw in him a way of getting out of a limited existence. I also liked Billy’s looks. ''It didn’t take long to start living together. His apartment, with a great view of the city, was a big improvement, but a part of me was wary about losing my independence. I didn’t want to be under the thumb of someone else. ''He too was a dealer, but the range of drugs was much broader and his clients were a more upscale group than mine. One or two of them even offered him a job in their company because he always met their needs, even at 2:00 a.m. when they wanted stuff. ''One of his less well-off users had a job with an armoured car company collecting store cash receipts. Billy kept him because he thought it could lead to something big. The guy regularly described weaknesses in the collection process. Moments where the money was vulnerable. ''He told Billy there were millions that could be had. ''From that point on, Billy was enthralled with the possibility of becoming really rich. ''He shared some of his plans with me and I knew it was a crazy idea. I told him about a film I had once seen and how the so-called perfect plan just unravelled. But he wouldn’t hear of it. ''At one point he told me, if you don’t want to share in my wealth, I know many others who would be very happy. ''I left because I didn’t like that violence would likely be a part of the robbery. ''The last thing Billy said to me was, I’ll be a rich man and you’ll still be a lousy dealer.'' -5- ''I don’t recall hearing about a big armoured car heist many years ago.'' ''That’s because there wasn’t one. Billy was caught in a sting by the police trying to buy a gun and then resisting arrest and was sent away to prison. ''So there I was at twenty-three and I couldn’t even say I was treading water. ''I had saved enough money to get a decent apartment and decided a mainstream lifestyle was a better bet. So I took a job with a printing company that paid a decent wage and finished my last year of high school at night. ''After completing my secondary studies, I enrolled in university on a part-time basis and focused on literature. My friends said I was crazy. They mostly thought I would become a business type. But I've always liked reading, especially fiction, so I went ahead with my plan. ''Life was going alright, until a party about a year later. Feeling rebellious and full of personal doubt, I took some smack and there was no turning back as I quickly became hooked.'' ''Sorry, but that’s heroin right?'' ''Oh yes it is. ''By the way, you know my name, what’s yours?'' ''It’s Felix!'' ''I have to say, I haven’t heard it before, but names can mean something special to the person choosing it.'' ''My father was a history teacher who loved ancient Rome. Apparently it was a common name at that time. ''Did your addiction to heroin last long?'' ''It was, as per the song, a long and winding road. Two years of it being my lover, but not a real good friend.'' ''So the image of the needle is about that period.'' ''It is! -6- ''I got off of it when I went into a rehab program. I was lucky that the owner of the printing company was a former addict. He was no fool and even though I rarely saw him, when things were sliding out of control he saw it in my body and confronted me. ''He told me there would still be a job if I successfully completed a program. ''So I took it and I have been clean for the last four years.'' ''That’s great! I’m sure you are really proud of yourself.'' ''I don’t go that far, but I’m hopeful. ''I am well on the way to finishing my degree and two years ago I met a man and we have a daughter who just turned one. Her name is Hara. It’s Greek for happiness. ''My partner thought it was a bit of a crazy choice but he understands why I wanted it. ''He knows pretty much everything about my past, but we don’t talk to his family about it. Maybe one day I’ll be ready. They think my parents were killed in an accident. ''But there are moments when my past seems to confront me, a little like a bad dream, and it says this isn’t you. You’re not good enough or reliable enough to pretend to be with them. ''Today is one of those days, so that’s why I’m here. I love my partner and my daughter but I sometimes feel I don’t belong. ''It’s like I can’t cut out from my mind the piece that tells me you’re a phony. Go back to the streets where you belong.'' ''Saoirse, I’m not a psychologist, but I understand your need to expose the tattoos. I also know what happens in our past can hinder moving forward, but you are a courageous and resilient woman and could be on a poster saying, we never know what’s coming, but we can deal with it.'' As she stood, to say goodbye, a man walked by them holding a placard. Stop Drug Abuse! Lock Up Users! Noticing the tattoo of the needle on her arm, he stared at her and screamed, ''that means you.'' Felix was furious and getting between them, he placed his right index close to the man’s face and with barely controlled anger said, ''get lost now and take your simplistic bromides elsewhere.'' -7- While the man was walking away, Felix told Saoirse, ''talking with you was so much more insightful and meaningful than another conference presentation could ever have been.'' Smiling, Saoirse replied as she prepared to leave, ''thank you Felix, I will try and draw on your observations when I feel like I might be falling.''