Connections

My Dearest Flora, I thought it would be a sombre time with my siblings, and indeed there were moments. Weeks earlier, when we buried mother, I had some trepidation about getting together to sift through her belongings. But we spent little time on stuff, as Shannon kept calling it, and devoted hours and hours to the photos she had taken. My mother, as you well know, was the unofficial family documentarian. Sitting in our parents dining room, with the morning light pouring in, we looked at albums and boxes full of photos. The collection even included a few taken with her phone that she printed. At one point, each of us laid out photos covering a period of more than three decades. The mini-collages engendered strong reactions. Many of the images of our childhood elicited screams of joy, especially at the expressions on our faces, and at times astonishment about the outfits we were wearing. As members of the late forties club, we don’t have big gaps you see in families with age differences of a decade and more. Looking at a picture of our father on his seventy-eighth birthday, and what joy he conveyed at that moment, Stephen filled us in about a conversation he had with him that day. Dad told him he had begun to notice differences in his body. In my head I’m often still in my twenties, with the added advantage of fifty years of experience. But now I have to be more careful about slipping or falling. I have a good memory, but names escape me at times, even as I exercise regularly and do crossword puzzles. Many things that were normal, that you just did, no longer have that label. I added that I remembered what he said after being diagnosed with incurable cancer just four years later. He said, certainty is never a guarantee when life is a part of the equation, but it emerges when that sentence is pronounced. To our great surprise, my mother left us a note that we found in an album entitled SPECIAL. In addition to photos that were particularly important to her, the message included the following sentence. I know that life offers many challenges, but your father and I are so proud of how all three of you have lived your lives with integrity and honesty. We immediately eyed each other with looks of surprise and wondered why she had chosen to include that sentence. -2- Lunch was on the sun deck and it generated many memory moments about the only place we knew growing up. The house will soon be up for sale. After eating, returning to the task at hand, the first photo I saw was of that raucous family supper when you and I were at university. You’ll probably remember, I had raised the topic of social inclusion soon after we started to eat. Quoting Professor Mel Green, I’m sure you’ll recall him, who had said in our class earlier in the day, if I say to you I’m a part of a community, of which there are parts I’m not a part of, what does that mean to you? Remember the verbal gyrations that followed, they must have lasted at least a half an hour, with my uncle David wondering if our course was a study of obfuscation. Then to my surprise, Stephen brought up mother’s note. He asked what we thought about the reference to living our lives with integrity and honesty. Adding, my guess is that it was a challenge to us to be careful not to fall off the wagon. Shannon then suggested it could be a reminder of things we have done, about which she and maybe our dad were aware, and final advice to be sure not to repeat them. Not quite certain how to respond, I finally said, mom was perceptive, but it’s impossible to divine what she actually thought. Stephen suggested that this was an interesting situation and wondered what each of us thought of telling the other two of something from their life about which we were totally unaware. He said what prompted this thought was when a photo of Bart Gilligan, Shannon and their respective children was pulled from one of the many boxes of photos, Shannon suddenly choked on the drink she was sipping. Was that just a coincidence, or did it mean something he wondered? Shannon briefly looked up and said she would be willing to talk about it on the understanding there was reciprocity. When Stephen and I agreed, she said there was a reason for her reaction to the photo with Bart. It was a little more than a decade ago when Bart and his family moved into the house next to Arthur and I. He was renting the place for a year during his sabbatical at Queen’s University. -3- At the time, his wife Clara was working on her doctorate at another university and Arthur was frequently out of town with his consulting work. Bart and I often helped one another, taking each other's kids to school and babysitting when one of us was busy with some matter. I have no excuse for why I started a relationship with him. It lasted about six months and as his sabbatical was nearing its end we both realized it could not continue. I honestly think it was a mix of only having been with Arthur and the excitement of another man, as well as opportunity. We spent a lot of time together and it started one night with a sleep over of our kids at my place. When the last one was asleep, and the wine was good, it happened. It’s not something I miss, and I’m not proud of it. I don’t think either mom or dad were aware of it, but I can’t say that with certainty. I remember one specific day, when she had seen Bart leave his kids at our place for supper. He had something at the university and came in for a couple of minutes. After he left, mom said to me, that man likes you more than he should. That was it, not another word then or any other time. Both Stephen and I said almost simultaneously, did Arthur ever indicate he knew anything about it? Her response was absolutely not. Furthermore, she said, when they separated it was never raised, but it probably contributed to the distance between the two of them that grew over time. Then Stephen emitted a nervous laugh and said I guess it’s time for me to pony up. In a surprisingly serious tone, he told us that about twelve years ago he was coming out of a bar downtown after meeting with a few buddies with whom he played pick up hockey. Adding, it was a late Spring afternoon and the unusual warmth put him in a good mood; leaving earlier than the others wanting to watch his twins play a soccer match. He thought he heard a scream from an alley nearby and decided to take a look. About thirty feet in, a guy was slapping a woman who had a ripped blouse that was barely hanging on her shoulder. Stephen told us he felt overcome by rage, perhaps because of his two daughters. Running down the alley, he grabbed the guy and put him in a choke hold. But he didn’t let go once he had the man under control. He kept squeezing and because he was more powerful nothing stopped him, not even the look of the young woman who seemed to realize what was happening. -4- Stephen said he might have killed the guy if the police, who had been notified by someone else who heard the woman crying out for help, hadn’t arrived. It was only when the two officers pulled him away from the woman’s attacker that he understood what was happening. The police arrested the guy, but one of them took Stephen aside and was pretty frank about his behaviour. He told him he had a right to protect himself and anyone else who was attacked, and added that it was a good thing to do, even if it could have been dangerous for him. However, it shocked us that Stephen was told he would likely have been charged, probably with manslaughter, if the man had not survived. Stephen told us he was deeply affected by the experience and spent months replaying the event in his mind. Looking at us, he recoiled and added that the more he reflected, the more he remembered screaming over and over you fucker you’ll never do that again and squeezing even harder. He was concerned about losing control and wondered if it could happen again. He mentioned that nothing had occurred since, but still had not figured out why he lost it. Shannon and I were shaken to learn about this episode and we took some time to digest it. A little later, Shannon said, ok Catherine, it’s time to fess up. Is your confession juicier than mine? As a way of setting the context, I mentioned the film, Same Time, Next Year that I had seen many years ago. Neither of them had watched it, but I can tell you that certainly piqued their curiosity. I didn’t soft pedal our relationship and I think it really surprised my siblings. At one point, Shannon said, in effect you have been involved with Flora on and off for more than twenty years. Yes, that’s the reality I said to her astonished face. They know my feelings for you have grown over time and more after you moved away to support Marty’s new business endeavour. I told them the first time we were together surprised but really excited me. My memory of that weekend shopping spree in Toronto, only weeks before your marriage is still so very clear, and -5- how by the next day feeling uncomfortable we both said it was impetuous behaviour, certain never to be repeated. I thought your marriage would see to that. After talking with Shannon and Stephen, I have done little beyond thinking about us and the nature of our relationship, and how the quick arrival of a child in your case, and a year later in mine, seemed to close the door on us. It’s funny, but I believe our decision to go to that concert together in Toronto many years later, was a subliminal test we both failed. Our hotel room was very close to the site of the performance, but we spent the night making love, with the music we played creating an almost hypnotic state. What was once possible to dismiss, became a backdrop to our lives. We continue to meander, with only occasional weekend getaways, oxygen we desperately need. P.S. Just before I was to send you this email, I received a phone call from a friend who had a summary of the comments to my siblings about our relationship. I was flabbergasted to discover that my phone was still set to speech-to text-when I spoke with them. During the break, following Stephen’s surprising revelation, I dictated a note to my book club regarding the next novel for discussion. I had just finished the recording when I was distracted and didn’t turn off the function. To make matters worse, I sent both transcripts to the list of women in the club. I asked them to delete the note, but I can’t be certain it won’t surface. I remember you telling me about talking with your sister Michelle apropos us and that she was very supportive of whatever decision you decided to make. My siblings are as well, and Shannon suggested inertia should not be our strategy for the future. The recording was not some sort of a Freudian slip, or an attempt to put pressure on you. It’s just another example of my technological ineptitude. We talked about being together when we were in Banff last year and we should make it happen. -6- Marty and Sean are both good men, and that’s always been the case, but will our upcoming weekend in Montreal be the point of departure? I hope so! Yours now and always! Catherine